Homeless
by AL3110
Summary: "Toby it's over" I still remembered it. Her emotionless voice saying it, it was like a slap to my face. With those words she was out of the door. Without a reason, leaving me with guessing why, why she broke up with me. It hurt, her missing, but I'd gotten used to it. Spencer has left Toby, but he doesn't know why. Follow Toby as he tries and get Spencer back.
1. Chapter 1- Homeless

I walked around in the streets. I saw the rain pouring down, I felt it. My jacket was already soaked, but it didn't even make me shiver. Because I was already cold enough inside. I've been having this hole inside of me since her.

As I walked around in the streets, I saw the lights, the lights that lighted up the streets, those streets that she once walked on, but she was gone now, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Toby it's over" I still remembered it. Her emotionless voice saying it, it was like a slap to my face. With those words she was out of the door. Without a reason, leaving me with guessing why, why she broke up with me. It hurt, her missing, but I'd gotten used to it.

I've been craving her, her touch, her smile, her laugh. Just her in general.

In these past four months I've been torturing myself by visiting the places that reminded me about her. Her favorite coffee place, the theater where we had our first date. Every time I went home from those places I broke down. Because I knew that no one could ever replace her. Her warm brown eyes that would always light my day up.

Even though people were around me I felt alone. She was missing. Now matter where I went she would always be my home.

I decided it there. I would call her. I took my phone out and found her number. I pressed call and felt my hands getting sweaty. The line was silent for a few moments before I heard her taking the phone.  
"Hello" her still angelic voice said. I was close to breaking down there. God I missed her, I didn't even know why I did this, but there was no time for regret now.  
"Spencer, I need a reason, why did you do this to us, everything was going so great." I said with a stern voice, I needed to be strong.  
"There's a person blackmailing me" she whispered so silent that I wasn't even sure that I'd heard it.  
"Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you."  
"No you couldn't" she interrupted me. "This person was threatening to hurt you. That's why I ended it so they wouldn't hurt you. Remember I still love you, so so much. I promise that when I get rid of this blackmailer, I'll come back to you, if you'll still want me then. If two people are meant to be together, they'll find their way back." She said, and a wave of emotion came over me. Glad, that she was okay, and she loved me. Hurt, that she never told me about these problems. But most of all understanding.  
"Don't worry Spencer. I'll always want you, and if this what you need to do for us to be together, then it's okay. Just always remember that I'll always love you. Always" I said my voice turning to a whisper at the end. I waited for a reply, but the line went dead.

I walked home, with hope. Hope that maybe we'll be together again.

**A/N First story ever. So please be gentle. -AL**


	2. Chapter 2- Free

_"It's not fair that you had to leave this way. It's not how you are; it's far from worthy. You've always been so strong and happy. So yeah, maybe I'm angry because someone like you should get too choose how you say goodbye."_

* * *

This killed me. Like, literally, killed me. I felt so dead inside. I knew I should be happy that she was okay, but this knowledge killed me, knowing she was fighting something like this. It was killing me that I couldn't help her, no matter how much I wanted too.  
If I couldn't at least help her, I just wanted to hold her, telling her it was going to be okay, even if it wasn't. All I could hope for was that we could be together once again. I would wait forever for her. She may or may not have been free. But she didn't have to worry about me anymore.  
I knew it was going to be one of those nights. One of many nights. The nights where I would fell asleep following a bottle of vodka. The nights where I would drink all of my sorrows away, because I felt like I didn't have anybody.  
But of course I had. I had Emily and Caleb. But I thought I pushed them away.  
It felt like no one really cared.

_1 month later..._

"Dude, you can't keep on living like this. It's been what? Like a month or something?"  
Caleb's voice boomed through the rooms in my apartment. I heard him, but I just chose to ignore him, hoping he would shut up and leave.  
"Dude, wake up. Now!" Caleb insisted.  
God, my head hurt. It was pounding really hard, and I just wanted to be alone with my hangovers. God, I didn't had that much too drink last night, did I? I only remembered an empty bottle of something.  
I knew there was something. There was something important that I was missing. Something happened last night. The more I think about it, I'm sure something happened. God, why couldn't I remember?  
"Last chance for Uncle Nice, Toby. I swear if you aren't up there's no more Mr. Nice for you" Caleb yelled as he walked into Toby's bedroom and saw him.  
He saw how trashed he was. Even though it had been three months since seeing her, he still kept a picture of them at his bedside.  
"Toby, don't you think it's time to let go?" Caleb said, his voice and face expressing concern.  
"Caleb, I gave her my word that I would always be there for her. How would you feel if it was Hanna, huh? Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel lonely without her. I need her to be here with me. That's why I wait, okay? I don't feel completely whole without her. So you know what? Just leave Caleb; get out of my apartment now. I don't want you here if you won't understand." I said, my voice rising with each word.  
He had struck a weak spot, and sadness and rage just overtook me. I couldn't really deal with Caleb being there right now. I needed to find out what happened last night, and I needed to do it alone. I just really wanted to be alone.  
"Toby. Just…just get better, okay?" Caleb said before leaving the apartment, but the forceful, angry sound of the door slamming was unavoidable.  
I breathed out and lay down again. When did everything become so screwed up? Nothing went right anymore. The only thing I had left was hope.  
I touched the photo I had beside me. I lustfully touched her image in the photo. I saw her genuine smile and mocha eyes, and that's when I remembered.  
Was she here yesterday? It could be somebody else that looked like her, but why would they be here? No I was sure, **she** was here last night.

_Last Night:_

_I lay down on my couch, watching TV, when I heard the doorbell.  
Who in the world would come over now? It was 2AM or something. I looked up at the clock that was hanging over the TV. I was right; it was 2:01 AM. So who in their right mind would come here now?  
I sat up between the soft pillows in my couch, not really wanting to stand up. I was planning on just lying on the couch, until I passed out; I didn't want to get up and open the door. I could just pretend I was sleeping. But the person that was standing outside the door must've been here because of something important.  
So with my sleepy hair, tired body and bloodshot eyes, I opened the door.  
For a moment, it felt like I couldn't breathe. The person standing in front of me was the person I'd been mourning over for the last four months. I tried saying something, but it was like nothing would come out. Breathlessness was the best way to describe myself. My head couldn't seem to wrap around it all. The whole thing seemed foggy, but maybe it was just my inebriated mind. But I knew that this was real.  
Since I couldn't utter a word past my lips, she spoke first.  
"Toby," she said. I'd been missing her voice so much. Hearing it brought so many memories back. "I've missed you so much."  
But then, it was like something snapped inside of me. Suddenly the feeling of happiness was replaced with the feeling of anger. Angry that she left me, for no real reason, for three months. And then after the phone call, still nothing. Angry that she wouldn't let me help her.  
"Spencer, why are you here?" I asked in a soft, melancholy voice. As angry as I was, I was also very sad. We might never be together again, and I didn't like the thought of that.  
I didn't invite her in. She didn't try to come in, and I liked it that way. Honestly, I couldn't bear her seeing my apartment after all those months. There were empty bottles everywhere and the place looked awful.  
"I miss you. I wanna be with you again."  
And when she said that, I got angry again. It was like she didn't even know the pain I'd been through these last months. I didn't want to be with her, not in this way.  
"Spence," I began, still using her nickname, "I don't wanna be with you."  
And I saw the look of hurt in her face and regretted saying it for a moment.  
But this was how I felt. "Not in this way." My words, like me, were cross and wounded, but I had no regrets in the moment.  
"Okay, just…if you ever reconsider, this is where I'll be," she whispered. She handed me a piece of paper.  
She looked so broken in the moment that I just wanted to hold her.  
But before I even took a step out of the apartment, she was gone._

I snapped out of my daze, and let out a frustrated sigh.  
God, what had I done? I'd broken Spencer's heart and my own, all at the same time. She offered to be with me, my one wish, and because that stupid bottle of vodka, I threw it to waste.  
I had to find her now, and I needed that piece of paper.  
I quickly got out of bed and looked around in my kitchen. My suspicion of the previous night's events were all confirmed when I walked into the kitchen.  
The paper lay there on the counter, just waiting to be read.

* * *

**A/N Hi, so I decided to continue this story. My good friend Kayson, has offered to be Beta, and I've gladly accepted the offer, so a big thanks to her.****Tell me what you think, of the story so far.**


	3. Chapter 3- Heartless

_"A drop in the ocean.  
A change in the weather.  
I was praying that you and me, might end up together.  
It's like wishing for rain,  
as I stand in the desert.  
But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are me heaven"  
-Ron Pope, A drop in the ocean._

* * *

On the paper there stood her working spot. I was really relieved since I knew where it was. It was in the outskirts of Philadelphia. With that in my mind, I opened my kitchen drawer and found my car keys. I was going to Spencer.

When I sat there in my truck, I was close at a breaking point. There's just been so much bad happening. I missed Spencer. I missed feeling... normal. But I was happy that when I got to her I would have her. Yeah, I would have her. I smiled at that thought, and with that thought I started driving to the outskirts of Philadelphia.

I remembered Spencer and I's endless fights, about her job. Me on one side saying it was a great job, with great tips, and her saying it wasn't a good enough job. She kept though, since she needed the money. I would give up everything for a good fight with Spencer, that would later turn into a make out session.

* * *

I finally saw the restaurant that Spencer worked in. The only thing that felt really wrong was that someone was closing off and I was sure that, that indeed wasn't Spencer. I started running towards the woman who was closing off. Even though it wasn't Spencer I could still ask her if she had seen Spencer. When I reached the woman, she smiled friendly at me. When I got closer I could see it was Spencer's boss, Rose, a very friendly old lady.

"Hi Toby, are you looking for Spencer" she asked me sweetly in a calm voice.

"Yeah how did you know I was that" I asked her, since I was surprised, she knew I was looking for Spencer.

"Oh, she has been waiting for you, always looking up when someone walked in, in the hope that it was you." I was just about to interrupt her, asking how she knew that, but it was like she could read my mind as she said "I can see it in her eyes, I can see it in yours too. Your eyes look hurting, and it really is not hard to put the pieces together" I thought for a moment she knew about A, "You two went through a tough breakup, and now you want each other back"

I was kinda relieved that Rose didn't know about A, since I think it's something that not too many people should know. I don't know, it's Spencer and the girls' choice who to tell it to.

Rose started patting my back, without me knowing why.

"Rose why are you patting my back?" I asked hoping not to sound rude, but I still thought it was a bit awkward to ask about that. I really wasn't that much of a peoples person.

"Oh sorry Toby, it is meant to be encouraging. You know, you are gonna go out and get her now" she said smiling.

"Not to be rude or anything Rose, but I don't know where Spencer is, that's was actually the reason I came" I said.

"Oh my god" she said with a little laugh. "That is right I have not told you that yet. But Spencer left work 10 minutes ago. I am so sorry Toby for holding you here talking with me" Rose said with a apologetic voice.

Normally I would've been mad, since I could've gotten to Spencer before, but Rose was really lovely. Rose is like this typical grandmother, she's so kind and has a heart of gold, so you could never be mad at her. I felt really bad for her though, since she lost her husband in a accident, some years ago. I must've been ten back then, but it was all everybody talked about. But Rose was strong so she didn't need pity.

"Oh don't worry about it Rose. It really isn't that much of a big deal. Just tell me where she is that would be really helpful" I said smiling.

"That Italian place around the corner, the one with the great pizza, and garlic bread" Rose said. She looked hopeful about something. A crazy thought said that it was for Spencer and me to be together again.

"Thanks" I said as I started running off. That was until I was interrupted by a voice.

"Toby, you are so strong and brave. Never forget that, now go get your girl" I heard Rose calling out.

With that in mind, I ran as fast as I could to the Italian restaurant. Although I was wondering why she was there, I just figured that it was something with the girls. That actually made me quite nervous, confessing my love to her in front of the girls. But they would understand right? Girls supposedly loved romance.

* * *

Got I was nervous, I could feel my palms being all sweaty and I didn't know if it was from the running or nervousness, I figured it was just the running. I could feel my heart pumping and I just blamed it on the running. But the butterflies in my stomach I could blame on nothing, they were the only prove, that I was nerve-wrecking nervous about this.

I was about 20 meters away from the restaurant, and I didn't know what to do. I just panicked, I couldn't move. It was as if something had nailed my feet to the ground. I didn't even know what I was so nervous about I mean, it was Spencer that had asked me to come. If she didn't want me (which I hoped she did) then it was her problem. I needed to get these angst thoughts out of my system and just do it.

I started walking and taking deep breaths, towards the restaurant. It was all gonna be fine. I could now see the Italian flags clearer. I was somewhat excited for this.

I could now see inside the restaurant. What I saw actually broke my heart a bit. Actually it just broke my heart, into small pieces unable to mend ever again. I saw Spencer sitting with some guy, laughing, he now caressed her cheek. I couldn't take it anymore I just couldn't.

Before I turned away I caught Spencer's gaze. I knew that she saw my hurt and sadness, but I couldn't bring my self to care. I knew there was some regret too, regret for actually coming out here. So I just turned around and walked away.

Nothing matters anymore. I lost myself to a heartless woman. I lost myself in the hope of finding love. I was sick of it all, I was sick of love. I didn't want anything to do with love anymore, I've now officially dropped it all.

I remember before crying if something hurt. The only thing I learned from that is that it doesn't help. You just have to get over it and deal with it. I'd gotten a good distance away from the restaurant, a restaurant I would probably never visit again.

I heard a bell ringing far away in the distance and heels clicking on the pavement.

"Toby" I heard a familiar voice saying, but cracking in the end of Toby.

* * *

**A/N **_Hi this isn't looked through (like with grammar and stuff), I just really wanted to update. Thanks so much for reviewing and following, it really means a lot. You guys deserve an update. I'm going to The Czech Republic for a ski-trip, and it's my first time ever skiing, so I'm super excited. I wanted to tell my friend Kayson- Happy 6 month Anniversary, just in case I can't PM you later. But guys thanks a lot please review and follow or whatever._

_Lot of Love._

_-AL_


	4. Chapter 4- Goodbye my Lover

_It may be over but it won't stop there,_  
_I am here for you if you'd only care._  
_You touched my heart you touched my soul._  
_You changed my life and all my goals._  
_And love is blind and that I knew when,_  
_My heart was blinded by you._  
_I've kissed your lips and held your hand._  
_Shared your dreams and shared your bed._  
_I know you well, I know your smell._  
_I've been addicted to you. _  
_-James Blunt, Goodbye my lover._

* * *

Spencer," I stated. Because that was just what it was what it was; just a fact that she was there.

"Toby, what you saw in there…" she began to explain.

"Let me guess, it wasn't what it looked to be; it was just a friend? Honestly, Spencer, I really don't care who it was or how it looked like. Right now, it just seems to me that you don't care," I spoke with a confident voice. "It feels like you haven't cared for me ever since you left me. Time after time, you've been giving me false hope, popping up at my door, wanting to be together, right after you said we couldn't be together over the phone. Then you give me a note saying I should come meet you. Then I do it—I actually come meet you—but all you're doing is sitting in a restaurant with another guy. How do you think this makes me feel?" I asked, except now, I was on the verge of yelling.  
I could see it in her eyes. She knew I was right; she had done all of those things.

"Toby," she whimpered.

"And the worst part is you can't deny it!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air because of the frustration I was feeling.

"Spencer…I think you're the worst thing that has ever happened to me." I confessed, knowing it would sound harsh, but I continued anyway, "but I also think you're the best thing to ever happen to me. You have been my princess and I feel like I've been your prince…but…maybe fairy tales aren't always meant to last."

I was just about to go. I couldn't and wouldn't take this anymore. It simply hurt too much; I think they call that heartbreak. I would make this fair for myself. I was gonna put myself first for once.

It was like Spencer had become a drug to me; I had become addicted to her in every touch, every kiss, and every smile.  
This? This was just the aftermath after going months without having Spencer. This was the final outcome.

"Toby…" she mumbled, as if she were afraid I was going to yell. I just pretended not to hear her, and kept on walking away. "Toby," she commanded with as much power as I could muster. A power I had longed for. I turned around, curious to hear what she was going to say.

"You know that I did all of those things, and you know I can't deny it," she continued. "I know that too. Actually, for quite some time now," she whispered quietly.

"So?" I answered, not knowing where this would lead to.

"So the deal is I've been mourning for you. I've been feeling guilty as ever for leaving you. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was for protection," she argued.

"But Spencer, you know I could've protected you. If you would have just told—"

"A has been making my life a living hell," she interrupted. "You were the only good thing in my life, but even now, she screwed it up. I started having these trust issues, even with you. You don't know how hard it is. I don't know who I can and can't trust," she told me.

"You could always come and talk to me. You know that," I answered gently, feeling empathy for her now.

"Yeah, I know. But I decided that your safety was more important than you being with me. You need to find somebody new and move on. You need to find a girl with no drama in her life and be happy, with her," she confessed, the pain peeking through her eyes.

But those words brought up all the anger and pain that had just calmed down. It crossed the line, making me cross the line. It made me regret things. I knew she meant it well when she said those things, but it hurt. Even though she might not have known what she just did, I still would blame it on her. She meant well, but right now, the thought of moving on from Spencer seemed impossible. Impossible, even though I just knew that I would never be with her again. Maybe I still love her, or maybe I'm just not in love anymore. I don't know. I was fairly confused, to be honest. But I would never be prepared for the outburst that was about to come.

"Yeah, but that doesn't explain you sleeping around with some random guy, after only a couple of months," I blurted out.

It only really sunk in after I had said it. I actually can't believe what I had said. No matter how much Spencer wounded me, she did not deserve this. The guilt was eating me up already, making it hard to breathe.  
I locked my gaze with Spencer's. I saw that she just now had realized what I had just said. It hurt me to look at her like this, and I felt the weight of the guilt get heavier. She honestly looked like she had just gotten hit by a bullet, or that she just couldn't breathe. Honestly, I wouldn't blame her; if she said that to me, I probably would react the exact same way.

"Is that really what you think of me?" she asked. Tears are welling up in her eyes and you could've seen that she was doing everything to hold them back. She's always been so strong; that was one of the reasons I fell for her. But this was breaking my already broken heart. "Just some s*** spreading her legs for every single guy around the corner? I really thought we had more than that. Do you really think of me as—a s*** Toby?" she shouted.

"I-I..." I stuttered, not knowing what to do or say. What do you respond to such a question?

"You wanna know who that guy is," she yelled, referring to the guy inside the restaurant, which we were still standing outside of. "That guy was helping me find out who A is. I'm thinking that maybe I should just drop the deal. I only hired him so we could be together again. Maybe I should just drop it since you've clearly said how you feel about me and this former-relationship," she finished bluntly.

"So we're broken up now?" I mumbled. I started feeling a tear sliding down my chin. This night had been too much. I was physically drained, running on the last energy I had. I just wanted to go home and get some sleep. I wanted to sleep and deal with all of this tomorrow. Only then would I I actually have the time and energy.

"First you say I can trust you and talk to you, then you say I'm sleeping around. Honestly, I think that right now, we're both broken and we need time to heal. Alone. We need to be separated for a bit," she explained. I looked into her teary eyes and saw regret and guilt, but I still said what I said.

"Oh, just like what? The last four months? Because you left me. You left us. You left this relationship, and you let us down. Spencer, there is no 'us' anymore. You just said it was over," I declared. I took one step closer to her.

"Oh, would you stop pitying yourself so much? Don't you think it has hurt just as much for me as it has for you? It has hurt so much! I've been feeling like I can't breathe, like something has been suffocating me! It hasn't just hurt in my heart; my whole body has been hurting. I have had it bad too, alright? Just stop playing the victim!" she demanded.

"Spencer, I don't know how to be with you anymore," I whispered. Because that was the truth; I didn't know, and I didn't know if I wanted to know. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted my world to be okay the next morning. I wanted to feel okay.

"I don't know, either," she replied.

And with our teary eyes and injured egos, we stood there. We stood there, not knowing if we were ever going to be fine, or what we were even supposed to do. Both of our lives were a mess and how would we ever fix them? And could we ever even be with one another again?

* * *

**Hey guys, I'm hoping you're feeling great (if not I'm gonna find out where you live come over, hug you, and then do a movie night marathon with you, or like talk or something). I hope you like this chapter. Kayson (As always) has helped me like the world. Kayson is a wonderful person. I just wanted to say that. I like yellow raincoats, I got one this Tuesday, it makes me want to sing in the rain. Yes, that was urgent for you to know. Review and follow, but no pressure. **

**-A lot of hugs, ****_AL_**


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